Letters
by StevexBuckyx
Summary: Takes place after winter soldier. Bucky goes to his and Steve's old apartment in Brooklyn. Stucky fic, no smut just fluff and angst
1. Brooklyn

Bucky was on the run from hydra. He had escaped their grasp and was now just trying to remember who he was. He remembered quite a lot and had decided to visit his old apartment in Brooklyn.

While rummaging through some old boxes stored in his now abandoned apartment he found a box he didn't recognise. The name "Steven Grant Rogers" was scribbled across the top in messy handwriting. He opened the box to find a series of letters, there was 8 to be exact. As he began to read he felt a tear slowly roll down his face.

16/3/1939 Dear Bucky,

I don't know if you'll ever get these, I might never give them to you, but I need to get this off my chest. Here goes nothing. Everyday I see you and you always look the same. Your messy brown hair, your beautiful icy ocean eyes, your soft pale skin and most importantly, your warm smile. You look the same, but it always drives me absolutely crazy. Sometimes I want you to fuck me senseless, but other times I just want you to hold me close and press soft kisses on my forehead. I know we can never be like this and you'd hate me. I think I love you.

Steven G Rogers

When he finished reading that letter he thought about what life would've been like if he had confessed to his best friend. Maybe none of them would've gone to fight in the war, maybe they would've lived a normal life. After a few minutes of reminiscing he tore open the second letter.

20/3/1939 Dear Bucky,

It's only been a few days since I wrote the last letter, but you're down at the docks right now and I need to get this off my chest, once again. When you take us on those double dates, yeah the dames are beautiful and all, but I long for it to be just us. I want you to take me out on a date. I want you to look at me the way you look at them. I know I sound selfish, but I'd do anything just to share atleast one kiss with you. Oh god, maybe I do love you.

Steven G Rogers

Bucky was about to open the next letter when he heard footsteps behind him.

"B-Buck..."  
"What?" Bucky turned around.

In the doorway stood Steve. He wasn't in his uniform. He wore an old shirt Bucky recognised...it was Bucky's shirt. His face was battered. It hadn't been long since their last encounter.

"H-how long have you been there?" the brunette asked. "I come here every once in a while, I missed you," he said softly. "I missed you too."

He took a shaky breath. He grabbed the letters and hid them in his jacket then stood up.

"Your face...was that from me?"  
"Yeah, it's fine though. It'll heal."  
"Stevie, I hurt you. The one thing I swore to never do I'm so sorry I-"  
"It's ok Buck, really."

There was a long pause. Bucky walked towards Steve. He handed the blonde the first note. Steve looked down at it in his hands.

"You weren't meant to find these, but I guess you can have them now" he looked down at the ground and handed the letter back. "I'm not the person you remember. I want to be with you I do, but I don't want to hurt you anymore. I think it would just be better if I left."  
"Please stay, it's selfish of me to ask, but I can't lose you again."  
"Steve," Bucky said softly, "I love you."  
"I'm definitely not letting you go now."  
"Please let me go, I need to find myself again."  
"I can help you, we can get through this."  
"No, please," tears started to form in his eyes, "let me go."

There was silence.

"Promise to find me again?" Steve hesitated.  
"Of course."

Bucky lifted shaky hands to cup he blondes face. He pressed a soft kiss on his lips that lasted only a few seconds. He pulled away and gave a sad smile to the captain. The soldier stepped around him with the letters still tucked in his jacket.

-00000-

thinking of making this a three or four part story, what do you think? 


	2. Alone Is Worse

After he left the old apartment, Bucky went straight to an old shed where he had been loitering. No one ever went there and he thought it was the perfect place to stay safe. He had a pair of scissors and cut his hair short. He stood in the old bathroom and looked at himself in the cracked mirror. He looked like he did in the 40s, but more tired and of course his arm.

He looked at his own eyes trying to recognise them again. They were his yeah, but he didn't feel like himself. He wanted to be with Steve, but he knew he couldn't. Before he could love Steve, he had to recognise himself.

After pulling out his stolen sleeping back he sat down and opened letter number three.

01/04/1939 Dear Bucky,

Today we went to Coney Island (again). This time you didn't make me ride the cyclone, but we still had a good time. We walked around and ate corn dogs and fairy floss. You took me in the mirror maze and you ran straight into the wall. I honestly haven't laughed that hard in ages. All the girls were looking at you again, of course, but I'm kind of used to that now. I wish we had more days out with just us. I definitely think I love you now, oh god what am I going to do?

Steven Grant Rogers

Bucky remembered that day vividly, the way he told Steve he found the way and just ran straight into the wall. He laughed to himself thinking about how much simpler is was. When they shared an apartment, when Bucky would tease Steve and make gay jokes. Oh how he wished he hadn't done that, he wished he would've just told steve how he felt. Steve knows now, that's all that matters.

He opened the fourth letter.

04/07/1939 Dear Bucky,

It's been four months since I wrote the last letter, but today you made me feel special. It was my 22nd birthday. When I woke up and walked out into the kitchen you ran up and squeezed me so tight I thought I was gonna snap in half. Your goofy smile made me feel warm and appreciated. You're so damn gorgeous. When it got dark, we went out onto the balcony and watched the fireworks. You smiled at me again and whispered, "you know, these fireworks will be set off for you one day." I highly doubt I'll ever get that far in life, but it made me smile. You jokingly kissed me on the forehead, well I guess it was jokingly. You would never feel the same about me. Thanks for the amazing day. I love you.

Steven Grant Rogers

A tear slowly fell down Bucky's cheek. He remembered that day perfectly. He remembered the joy and happiness he felt when he had seen a disheveled Steve crawl out of the bedroom with a soft smile, he remembered the way Steve had looked at him after he kissed him on the forehead.

"I wish we could be together," he said to the letter, "I wish I knew how to let you help me."

And with that he hugged himself for warmth and drifted off alone in the old shed.

-0-

Steve stayed in the apartment for a bit after Bucky had left.

"He loves me too," he said to himself quietly, "and I let him go. I'm such an idiot. Why didn't I tell him to stay? What is wrong with me?"  
"I'm sorry to interrupt," Sam walked in the door, "but why was Bucky here and why did you let him leave?"  
"I don't know why he was here," he spoke sadly, "but he said he needed to be alone."  
"And you just let him?"  
"Anything I said wouldn't of got him to stay."  
"Steve look at me."

Steve hadn't realised he still had his back to Sam. He turned to see his friend looking worried.

"What happened?"  
"He was looking through some stuff over there," he pointed to the pile of boxes, "he told me he loved me, he...he kissed me and I just let him go."

Sam gave Steve a sad look.

"Come here."

Steve walked towards Sam and the smaller man pulled him into a hug.

"It's ok, we'll find him."

-0000000-

Sorry for this part being short


	3. Stay With Me

"I have four letters left to read," Bucky said to himself, "but I want to see Steve, I told him I'd find him once I found myself, but I just want him."

He paced around the old shed.

"I guess I should read one more before I try to find him."

He kneeled down next to the pile of letters and pulled out the one numbered '5'.

07/09/1939 Dear Bucky,

Today you stayed at work later then usual. When you came home you were angry and upset. You wouldn't tell me why. You said goodnight then went to your room. I went in to see you. I knocked first, but when you said it's ok to come in I heard you crying. I asked what happened and you still didn't tell me. I walked over to your bed and sat next to you. You hugged me and ran your fingers through my hair. You didn't tell me what was wrong, but you seemed to stop crying after you held me. I love you Bucky, I wish I could tell you.

Steven Grant Rogers

He remembered that day. It was the day he found out his favourite work colleague had lost their life. He wished he could hold Steve now like he did back then. He picked up his things (and the letters) and threw them in his small backpack. He rolled his sleeping bag and stuffed it in there too, he was going to find Steve.

-0-

Steve, Sam and Natasha all sat at a desk going through old hydra records. Steve pulled out a photo of Bucky. He was sitting in a chair with a machine strapped to his face. He was in pain. Steve had to put the photo down.

"Excuse me for a second," he stood up and walked towards the living room.

Once he was out of sight he started to cry. The man he loved had been through so much and it could've been prevented if he just searched for his body.

"I'm so sorry Buck," he whispered to himself, "I'm so sorry I didn't help you sooner."

He was just about to walk back to sit with Sam and Natasha when he heard footsteps. He looked up to see what he thought was a vision. Bucky had short hair, Bucky had come to see him.

"It's ok, we're both here now anyway."  
"Buck what- how did you get in here?"  
"I was an assassin for 70 years, what do you expect?"  
Steve laughed softly, "happy to see you haven't changed."  
"I'm definitely not the person you remember, but I missed you."  
"I missed you too."

The brunettes eyes started to tear up as he ran towards the captain. He through his arms around him and cried into his chest.

"I r-read most of the letters, y-you do love me."  
"I always have."

Steve pulled away from their embrace and smiled at him. He leant down and softly placed a kiss on his lips. Bucky smiled and this and ended up pulling him down to meet his lips again.

"Bucky wait-" Steve said pulling away, "Nat and Sam are in the other room."  
"So what?"  
"They might be startled seems as you broke into Sams house."  
"Oh yeah right," Bucky looked down.  
"Look at me," Steve said hoping he would meet his eyes, "I love you."  
Bucky looked up, "I don't remember what love feels like, but I...I remember all the times we had before the war. You were small and when I was sad you'd let me hold you until I stopped crying," he smiled to himself, "I remember all your birthdays, I remember that I loved you."  
"Bucky I-"  
"I'm sorry to ruin the moment," Sam said, "but how long has he been here?"

-0-

Later that night after Sam decided to let Bucky stay, the two super soldiers sat together on the guest bed talking about the old days. When Steve had gotten sleepy, they curled up together and drifted off. Well, Steve drifted off.

The winter soldier couldn't sleep. He felt at home, Steve was his home, but did he love him? Did he still know what love felt like? A million thoughts filled his head. He decided to read another letter. He slowly moved out of Steve arms and went over to his backpack that had been shoved in the corner. He pulled out the 6th letter.

13/03/1940 Dear Bucky,

Today you taught me how to dance, well tried at least. Your goofy smile when I accepted your offer was something different. The way you felt pressed against me made me never want to move out of your grasp. While we were dancing we paused. You looked into my eyes, leant down and kissed me. I didn't know how to react. We ended up blaming it of us getting caught up in the moment, but secretly I wanted you to have meant the kiss. You're currently laying next to me on the bed, back facing me, completely passed out. I don't know if you're hurt or if you accidentally fell asleep that way and I know I sound selfish, but I wanted you to hold me tonight and keep me warm. Hopefully tomorrow will reveal why you slept that way.

S

Bucky looked in confusion as he noticed the letter was signed off different to the other ones. One singular 's' was etched onto the paper. He assumed when Steve wrote the letter he was too hurt to finish it. He put the letter back into his bag and crawled into Steve's arms. He hoped he wouldn't have a nightmare and frighten Steve like most nights he'd had since he ran from Hydra, but he seemed to make them go away.

-0000000-

I'm so sorry this took so long, I had no idea what to write. Thanks for all the support x 


	4. Til The End Of The Line

That morning Steve awoke to see Bucky sat at the end of the bed. He sat still just staring at the wall.

"Good morning," Steve said, "did you sleep alright?"

Bucky didn't reply. He sat there motionless.

"Buck?"

No response.

"Bucky? James?"

The brunettes head moved downwards slowly. Steve scrambled off the bed and walked in front of Bucky. He knelt down so he could see him.

"Hey what's wrong."

Bucky blinked and shook his head.

"What? Why are you down there?"  
"You didn't respond and you were sitting still. Are you ok?"  
"S-sorry I was..." he trailed off as he realised what he was doing.  
"You were what?"  
"I was waiting for orders. Sorry, habit," he said in a small voice.  
Steve grabbed his hand, "it's ok, it's not your fault. Did you want some breakfast?"  
Bucky smiled softly, "sure."

They left the bedroom to meet Sam and Natasha. She didn't stay the night, but she usually comes around early. Natasha saw Bucky and looked as if she'd seen a ghost.

"Good morning Steve," Sam smiled, "good morning Bucky, I hope you slept alright."  
"Yeah I slept fine, thanks for letting me stay," Bucky replied obviously distracted.  
"I'm sorry do you two know eachother?" Sam asked Bucky and Natasha.  
"Natalia, y-you're ok."  
"Natalia?" Sam and Steve said at the same time.  
"You cut your hair," she smiled.

Natasha stood up and ran towards him. They hugged eachother tight.

"I missed you so much," Natasha cried into his shoulder.  
"I thought they got to you, I thought they hurt you, thank god you're ok."

They pulled away from eachother.

"I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye, but it all happened so fast."  
"It's ok," he smiled.  
"By the way, digging the new look."

Bucky chuckled softly.

Steve hadn't seen him smile at someone like that since Bucky had lost his sister.

"How do you guys know eachother?" Steve asked.  
"I trained her," he smiled, "the KGB and Hydra worked closely together. It's why she's such an amazing assassin."  
"Don't get a big head, J."  
"And why didn't you tell us?" Sam asked.  
"I didn't think it was important."  
"What about the name?" Steve asked.  
"When I joined S.H.I.E.L.D, I changed my name so the KGB couldn't find me. My name used to be Natalia Alinova Romanova. The only people that knew were Clint, Nick and James."

There was silence.

"Is anyone else hungry?" Bucky changed the topic.

-0-

Steve laid on the bed sketching his latest portrait of Natasha. Bucky sat in the corner of the room reading another one of the letters.

1943 Dear Bucky,

I don't even know the date and I don't care. I don't want you to worry on your last night here so I'm not going to say anything. I just hope you'll hold me tonight or wake me up before you leave. I'm going to miss you like crazy. Please don't get hurt or do anything stupid. Please be safe. I hope you're enjoying the date. I love you and I'm going to miss you.

Steve

This letter was shorter then the rest and signed differently. Bucky's reaction was obviously noticeable as it distracted Steve from his drawing.

"What ya reading?"  
"Just another one of the letters."  
"How many do you have left?"  
"One more. This is the second to last one."  
"Buck," his voice changed, "are you sure you want to read the last one?"  
"Steve, you're shaking," he placed a hand on his arm, "what's wrong?"  
"It's just, I wrote the last letter the day you f-fell."

Bucky sat on the bed.

"I promised you I would finish them."  
"But-"  
"I want to read it, I want to know what it was like. For me it's a blur, I don't really remember it."  
"Are you sure?"  
"Stevie, stop worrying. It's ok."  
"Ok," he said softly.

Bucky got up and walked back towards his backpack. He shoved the other letter in his bag and pulled out the last one. Steve went back to his sketch, but kept an eye on Bucky.

There was a smudge at the top of the page where the date was meant to be. The paper was tear stained and smelt of alcohol

Dear Bucky,

I can't even put into words how empty I feel. You were everything to me. I could feel your fingers brushing mine. I was so close to catching you. I'm so sorry, I'm the reason you're gone. I was the one who wanted you to come on this damn mission. I love you so much and I'm sorry. You didn't deserve this. It should've been me. I've tried drinking away the grief, but it's no use. This serum made it impossible for me to get drunk. I would do anything to feel you hold me again. I'm already miss you so much, please come home What am I doing, you're never gonna read this anyway.

The letter wasn't signed. All there was was smudged ink and a beer stain.

A tear ran down Bucky's cheek and landed on his lap.

"Buck," Steve whispered now turning his full attention to the soldier.  
"Steve I..." he stood up and walked over to the bed, "I love you and I'm never leaving you again. Til the end of the line."  
He stood up and walked closer to Bucky, "til the end of the line."

The captain placed a hand on Bucky's jawline.

"I love you too."

Their lips met. They shared a soft kiss. Bucky smiled as he slowly pulled away before going back in for a more passionate kiss. The two soldiers walked towards the bed without their lips parting. Bucky started to push Steve down onto the bed.

-000000-

That's it for this fic. Thankyou so much to everyone who supported it! 


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